It won’t be my fault. Once I’ve killed the family of five in a freak accident, we’re going to go through all the scrap and find the totaled car and see that it has headlights that are violently bright–like most cars made in the past decade.

Imagine one of the moms that’s like, “Oh, I love my SUV!” The rear windshield has the stick figure family sticker, the “I <3 My Dog” sticker, and the “Salt Life” sticker even though she lives an hour and 45 minutes from the beach. Guess what else is awesome about her Jeep Wrangler? The headlights are unbearably bright. I look at these cars 2,000 feet away on the other side of the road at night or in the morning and I am blinded instantly. I have to put my hand up and block the car from my sight like a loser. You know when you look at something bright and you can still see the dark spot of its outline in your vision for about a minute? I see that for an hour after. I feel like one of those moms that holds onto the unless handle thing above the window of the passenger seat whenever their kid turns or comes up to a red light and says something like, “Waaa but it’s for my balance!” or something…

There’s also the Chevrolet Silverados that have the ungodly bright headlights and tailgate you BMW-driver style. These dudes are horrible. They drive so close and the lights are so bright, and now my side mirrors and rear view mirror are all unending flash-bangs. My mirrors are like landmines, you just look at them and BOOM! You’re dead. Also, I drive a sedan, which means not only am I less of a poser than anyone who drives an SUV, but the headlights of these trucks and SUVs are at the same height, so their beacons of light are pointed straight into my windows.

I need to make it clear that I do not have road rage and have never thrashed out against someone on the road. However, I think car manufacturers need to calm down with how many lumens they crank into the headbeams of new cars. I will still blame you people that drive with these crazy lights and think you’re all slick. It’s light outside at seven in the morning, you can see just fine! The sun is right up there. I guess if I could sum up what I’m trying to say out of any of this, it is that the headlights of modern cars are way too bright. Car manufacturers need to tone them down. These things hurt my eyes, and while I have the floor, they’re just so ugly. Why do modern cars have that Googlesque, Facebookesque, Amazonesque, lame, corporate look to them like everything else now? Like really? We couldn’t even spare our cars from looking terrible? I look at these new cars and it makes me think of what they did to the Pringles logo. But regardless, seriously, this era of brightnessmaxing/blindmaxing with your cars is not silly or goofy–it’s a genuine hazard.