When asked about tall people at Maggie Walker, freshman GSMUN registration desk worker Collette Kim (>4’11’’) answered, “They should be shorter.” Many of the shorties at Maggie L. Walker Governor's School agree with her sentiment. For example, Editor-in-Chief of the Jabberwock Lucia Gambacini (5’3.5’’), states, “I think the tall ones impose a threat to society.” As it turns out, the Talls are truly the source of numerous problems and a stressful atmosphere with their intimidating stature and excessive height. Senior short king Devesh Kumar (5’8”), states, “The 21st century necessitates a negation factor for the systemic injustices left for those not vertically gifted.”

Many tall people are ignorant of the issues they cause, including We the People Unit 1 member Timothy Porter (6’0”), responding, “We’re doing all right” when asked about tall people. However, short people don’t experience life at Maggie Walker the same way, as Badminton Co-President Leah Winder (5’4”) shares: “I feel victimized by tall people every day.” This problem has worsened over time. As senior Biochem student Prisha Shah (4’11.5”) relates, “Every day there are jokes and attacks being made.” This continuous issue needs to be addressed–no longer can short people withstand the brutal lifestyle of existing around the Talls. 

Furthermore, taller people are mentally and physically less capable than their shorter counterparts. Senior mock delegate Grace Crislip (5’2”) reports, “I don’t think tall people have the same brain capacity [as short people].” Confirming this statement, GSMUN’s Director of Charitable Giving Sophia Pareti (5’3”) says, “The amount of brain cells are more greatly distributed in tall people, but small people have even bigger brains and our brain cells are more concentrated, so the brain cells are controlling a smaller amount, meaning the brain cell to volume ratio is greater.” The superior intelligence of short people must be preserved and the continuous harm inflicted on short people by the Talls is abominable. Senior basketball player Bridget Plank (5’4”) says, “I can’t keep looking up all the time, it hurts my back.” We cannot keep hurting the people who are uplifting our society from the bottom up.

Even more so, shorter people are better for the environment in the long term since we consume and use fewer resources. Marshall's employee and senior Ben Lashley (5’9”) shares, “With increasing climate change, now more than ever, we need more short people and fewer tall people in the world.” Additionally, former French Student of the Month senior Nitya Goyal (5’3”) remarks that “because short people have smaller feet, they leave a smaller carbon footprint.” If you do not support the abolition of tall people, you do not support our Earth. 

So how can we solve this problem? Math genius senior Yeeva Chunnanond (5’4” in heels) presents the perfect solution, stating, “They (tall people) should crawl on the ground.” We took that idea and expanded on it. We are proposing a school-wide total ban of people 5’9” and above, regardless of gender. That way, we don’t necessarily have to exterminate every single above-average-height person. By making them kneel to us, we are eliminating tallness. Before entering Maggie Walker each day, every seemingly tall person will be asked their height to guarantee that they do not walk free. 

This policy would provide numerous benefits to the school and society. TJHHS member Hareem Mubashar (5’6”) adds, “It will help the integrity of Maggie Walker men.” As Mubashar mentions, many men lie about their height. Take SCA Co-President Rehaan Jain for example. This man claims he is 5’10,’’ which is CLEARLY not true. After careful analysis through pictures and assumed heights, we concluded that in reality, Jain is 5’8.25’’. This fact was authenticated by Chargé d’Affaires Secretariat member Sania Jain who is, in her own words, “basically his sister.” 

To work against their deceptions, we propose the creation of a council called the Courte of Short. This court would include only female Seniors under the height of 5’2’’ to eliminate even slightly tall people bias. This council will be utilized to decide whether a person is seemingly tall or seemingly short enough to be an exception or addition to this new policy. Lashley, for example, seems to be much taller than he is in reality, but since he is very kind to short people, he specifically deserves an exception. This council will cover similar cases of people lying about their height and upon their ruling, we will refer these liars to the Honor Council. To ensure fairness, the group will be elected by people 5’5’’ and below. Additionally, this council will only consist of women, as men would immediately guess the correct heights because they are far too good at math. 

These proposals will only be able to be integrated through a wide-scale revolution by the short people. For too long we have suffered verbal and physical abuse for our lesser heights. In this new society, men will prefer to subtract two inches from their heights instead of adding. It is high time for us to conquer what is rightfully ours and rule the world with our superior brain power. As Kim says, “They’ll never see us coming.”

*Disclaimer: If this article seems biased in any way, it is only because we did not interview many tall people. We would have interviewed more tall people, but they were too far away for us to hear. Also, Rehaan is actually 5’10” frfr.