It was the Super Bowl that nobody wanted to see. After the best regular season they’ve had since 2000, the Ravens came up short of the Super Bowl again after a disappointing loss to the Galactic Empire of the NFL, the Kansas City Chiefs. Despite having only Taylor Swift’s boyfriend and a bunch of no-names to pass the ball to, the undisputed best quarterback of the decade, Patrick Mahomes, led his team to their sixth straight AFC championship game and fourth Super Bowl appearance in five years, something that has only been done three times in NFL history. On the other side, the nation’s sweetheart, the Lions, won a playoff game for the first time since R.E.M. was on top of the Billboard 100 with “Losing My Religion” 33 years ago.  America’s new favorite team stormed to the NFC championship game under the leadership of lovable head coach Dan Campbell and his “bite their kneecaps” philosophy. However, they met their match against Mr. Irrelevant, Brock Purdy, and his supporting cast of four offensive first-team All-Pros. The 49ers were battle-tested throughout the season, and though they got down early against the high-powered Detroit offense, their overall talent advantage allowed them to claw their way to a victory and become the favorites in a Super Bowl LIV rematch against the Chiefs.

The game started slowly, with a collage of punts and fumbles until Jake Moody put the 49ers on the board with a 55-yard field goal, the longest in Super Bowl history. After more punting, Kyle Shannahan’s 49ers offense showed off their creative prowess on a double pass play that culminated in a Christian McCaffrey touchdown. Just before the half, Mahomes responded, leading the Chiefs down the field on an impressive drive but settling for a field goal.

With the teams in the locker room preparing for a hopefully more interesting second half, Usher took the stage. Rising from a white throne surrounded by dozens of Vegas performers, he began to sing songs nobody under the age of 40 would ever recognize. Out of nowhere, Alicia Keys appeared on stage dressed in bright red playing the piano. Usher joined her for a rendition of “My Boo” which included some showbusiness that Alicia’s husband and Usher’s wife, who he married earlier that day, likely did not appreciate. Later on, Usher changed into the Fortnite Purple Skull-Trooper skin and roller skates to perform “OMG” with will.i.am. Finally, Gen X moms and their kids alike rejoiced watching Usher, Lil Jon, and Ludacris perform the generational banger “YEAH!” on stage.

Playing with newfound momentum, the Chiefs dominated the third quarter. Harrison “Buttkicker” Butker one-upped Moody with a 57-yard field goal, breaking the record set just an hour prior. After a defensive stop, the Chiefs then led another drive and scored their first touchdown of the game, putting them up 13-10. The 49ers continued to keep things interesting, scoring another touchdown but missing the extra point to keep their lead only at a field goal margin. The Chiefs failed to score in the red zone for the third time in the game and settled for another Butker field goal, tying the game at 16 all. Proving the doubters wrong, Purdy led his team on a methodical drive that was halted by penalties but led to another converted Moody kick. Down by three points with less than two minutes remaining, it was Mahomes’s time to shine. Completing multiple passes to Travis Kelce along the way, the Chiefs sent the Super Bowl into its second-ever overtime period after yet another field goal. 

Team captains Fred Warner and Patrick Mahomes led their respective teams. One of them was well-informed about the NFL’s new, unused overtime rules, but the one who won the toss was not. Warner elected to receive, an action ridiculed by knowledgeable fans who were aware that deferring was the more logical option. The 49ers took the field, getting the ball down the field all the way to the Chiefs' eight-yard line before being halted by a strong defensive effort and settling for three points. Fans across America groaned - they knew what was coming. All Mahomes had to do was score a touchdown to give the Chiefs a second straight championship. It was an incredible drive that included an 18-yard Mahomes scramble to convert a third down and culminated in a touchdown pass to Mecole Hardman with just three seconds remaining. Swifties everywhere rejoiced to see her reunite with Kelce on the field after the game as Mahomes accepted his third Super Bowl MVP award, tying him for the second most of all time. In a year that included many rough patches and their worst record in years, Kansas City proved again that a generational quarterback and head coach combo is all you need to win in the playoffs.