Can women and math coexist? Junior Sahara Pinelli answers, “Not happily.” 

For the purposes of our argument, math does not include cooking, cleaning, shopping, or counting how many times we brush our hair. To be completely honest, as women, we have no idea what math is. But male student Devesh Kumar (‘24) explained it for us, saying, “Mathematics is one of the most important fundamental disciplines. It is a diverse, equitable, and inclusive discipline. It is not for the faint of heart and it is highly important for everyone to learn…” Female student Hareem Mubashar (24) responds, “Well, women are faint of heart.” 

This is not to say that women cannot be made for the noble pursuits of English, history, or science, but women in mathematics are few and far between. Historically, there are absolutely zero famous female mathematicians solely because of a difference in skill between the genders. There has never been any prejudice or barriers against women in male-dominated spaces. As we all know, the pay gap isn’t real— women just did the math wrong.

This fact is evidenced in various instances in the classroom at Maggie Walker. There is a 60:40 ratio of females to males at the school, but that ratio becomes highly skewed in the opposite direction in math classes. In our statistics class, only nine out of 21 students are girls. In math modeling, only 42% of the class is female. Where are all the women at Maggie Walker? Probably learning how to cook and clean, or going shopping at the mall. This difference can only be explained by a lack of interest and skill on the part of the girls. When our statistics teacher asked our class if anyone was taking multivariable calculus the following year, not a single girl raised her delicate little hand. Though this disregards the fact that neither did any of the men, they were most likely too tired from working so hard. Beyond that, women don’t really understand math either. When surveying SAT takers, we found that 456% of women fail the math section, and for the ACT most women only get a 35. 

Senior Prisha Shah confesses, “Every day I’m in math class, all I’m thinking about are periods and lipstick and high heels.” These feelings are shared by other members of her gender, as when asked the question of whether they would prefer an all-expenses paid, all-inclusive tropical vacation or math class, 101.874% of women reported that they would prefer the former. If men were asked the same question, we are 101% confident that they would all say math class. This is exemplified by the fact that men excel in all of their mathematical pursuits. Ben Lashley (‘24), for instance, says that even though he has almost failed math multiple times, he is a math genius, which is obvious because he is a man. Additionally, all of these aforementioned classes were taught by women. Men's understanding of math is unmatched, and senior Jackson Dehaven describes math as “the fundamental way that we describe the world. Understanding math requires a complex level of high reasoning that separates us from the apes.” When asked if women have that high reasoning ability he answered, “Maybe.”

Doing math can be painful and dangerous, and is entirely unproductive for women to engage with. Senior Leah Winder admitted, “Math makes my brain hurt,” highlighting the physical risks women experience in even attempting mathematics. Additionally, Jenna Minor (‘24) rightfully wonders, “When am I ever going to need a slope when serving my husband?” That girl has her priorities as straight as a parabola. 

There are a few women who combat our argument by actually enjoying and achieving in math. However, these women are few and far between and thus can be counted as outliers. To conclude our argument we would like to offer some advice: if you are a female junior and you have all of your math credits, do not take a math class your senior year. As we have clearly established, women are not made for math. 

Disclaimer: As the writers of this article, we affirm that it is completely satire and untrue. We neither believe in nor condone any of the misogynistic messaging that we appear to endorse. We would like to acknowledge the hard work of the countless women in STEM who make it possible for women like us, who are less gifted in the field, to write an article slandering our own gender while having it be so obviously a joke. We encourage anyone who has a passion for math to pursue it, no matter your gender.